Padfoot and 'The Talk'
by marauders716
Summary: Sirius decides that it's time for Harry to receive 'The Talk', Harry just wishes he could escape- little does he know, he will never look at donuts or bananas the same way again.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or anything else you may recognize =)**

**A/N: This is based off the idea I got from Mistress of Magic22 to make Sirius giving Harry 'The Talk' into a one-shot. The idea is from my story Changing the Future With the Order, but you definitely don't need to read that to understand this :D I'm not sure how good this is as I wrote most of it while I was on some pain meds for my wrist, but hope you enjoy it anyways! I'd also like to point out that as I'm a female, I have never received 'The Talk' from a male's perspective- actually I never received it at all- so I just went with whatever sounded good =)**

Harry quietly made his way down to the kitchen of number twelve Grimmauld Place. He was sure he was the first person awake as it was far too quiet for the normally busy house. He soon realized that he was in fact the second person awake; he had pushed open the door to find his Godfather already seated at the table. Sirius looked up at him, wearing a mischievous smile that made his whole face light up. Harry looked at him curiously and a bit suspiciously, but decided to sit beside him anyways.

"Morning, Harry!" smiled Sirius brightly.

"Morning," responded Harry cautiously.

"Are you hungry? I've got donuts, here help yourself," Sirius passed him a donut, but Harry did not bite into it. Sirius was acting far too strange to be trusted at the moment. It is never wise to eat food coming from a Marauder when they are staring at you the way Sirius was currently staring at Harry, unless of course you were fond of walking around covered in feathers or some such thing.

"Thanks, but I'm really not all that hungry," answered Harry cautiously.

"Nonsense, Harry! I was a fifteen-year-old boy once- they are all hungry for donuts. Well, most of them anyways. Some do prefer bananas, which is just fine with me if you do. I have some of those here as well. Just keep in mind that I'll still love you no matter which food you prefer to eat for breakfast, so no worries there," Sirius paused for a moment as a smirk appeared on his face. "You could even have a donut and a banana, if that's what you fancy.

Harry was looking at Sirius like he had never seen anything quite like him before, "Are you feeling okay, Sirius?"

"Never better, Harry. You see, as your Godfather, I have decided to teach you how to- how do I want to put this- ah, how to _safely_ eat said donuts or bananas without choking to death."

"I think you're a little bit late for that," laughed Harry. "I've been doing that just fine for years."

"I'm fairly sure you haven't eaten the types of donuts or bananas I'm referring to," grinned Sirius.

"Well, what kind are you talk-" Harry broke off as he suddenly realized what Sirius was talking about. At that moment, Harry must have looked strangely like a Christmas ornament, with his face changing from red to green almost instantly. "Merlin's pants, I- er, I have to, umm, bye!"

With that, Harry made a desperate dash for the door, only to find it magically locked shut. After several moments of frantically trying to open the door, Harry had to admit defeat. He heaved a giant sigh, muttered several curse words, and turned around to find Sirius sitting with his legs up on the table top, wand twirling between his fingers. Harry truly loved his Godfather, probably more than he loved anybody, but all he could currently think about was wiping the smug smile from his handsome face.

"C'mon Sirius," pleaded Harry. "You don't really want to do this. Think about what you're doing! You're going to embarrass your favorite Godson!"

Sirius just continued to smile brightly at the panicked boy, "You're my only Godson! As such, you're the only person I will ever get to torment like this. You wouldn't want to deprive me of that, would you?"

"Yes! Yes, I would," declared Harry, nodding his head vigorously as he did so.

"Well, sorry kiddo. I got the wand, I get to do the tormenting. You might as well sit and get it over with, as we're not leaving this kitchen until I've had my fun, even if we have to continue through lunch. I warn you now though; we're having hot dogs in a bun for lunch. Just think of all the innuendos I can come up with for that meal!"

Harry sent Sirius a glare that would make Snape proud, which he unfortunately seemed immune to, before reluctantly returning to his seat.

"Great!" beamed Sirius, acting as though his audience had not just tried to escape. When Sirius Black set his mind to something this fun, there was just no going back.

"Let's just get this over with," muttered Harry.

"As you've already discovered, we are going to talk about a lovely little hobby known as shagging. Nothing to worry about, it'll be over before you know it!"

Sirius cleared his throat and began talking as if he were teaching a class, "Let's begin with the basics. As you may have already guessed, the donut will be the girl and the banana will be the boy. First things first, the bananas- oy, stop bashing your head on the table, you'll be fine- as I was saying, no two bananas are alike," as if to emphasize his point, Sirius set three bananas on the table. All of which were different sizes.

"This might be easier if we name them. Now, we'll name this nice big, extravagant one Sirius. This slightly smaller one can be, oh I don't know, Moony. As for this little bitty baby banana, we shall call him Severus."

Despite his current humiliation level, Harry couldn't help but smile a little bit at that.

"First thing you need to remember is that no matter what the donut may tell you, Sirius and Moony have far more chance of enjoying the donut than Severus does. Understand so far?"

He continued on after seeing Harry's embarrassed nod, "Brilliant, on to relationships. Now, typically, it is best to be in a relationship with the donut prior to doing anything. You don't necessarily have to be, but speaking as the responsible- I see nothing funny about that, Harry- Godfather that I am, you should be. As I already told you, I don't mind what type of relationship you're in. Whether you choose a donut, banana, or both. Hell, some people even enjoy two donuts or two bananas. I don't actually suggest going that route, however. Out of curiosity, which do you prefer?"

Harry rolled his eyes and sighed, "The donut."

"Thank you, now I know which topics to choose from. Would you like to name the donuts?" asked Sirius.

"I'd rather not," replied Harry dryly.

Sirius sighed, "You're not helping here, kid."

Harry sent him a small glare, "That's because right now, I would rather be facing Voldemort than having this conversation."

"I'm not that bad!" laughed Sirius. "At least you get to eat the demonstrations after."

Harry smiled slightly, "For your information, I'm never eating a donut or a banana ever again. You've scarred me for life, I hope you can live with yourself for this."

"Oh, I'm sure I'll manage," teased Sirius. "You're almost done anyways. I know you're a smart kid, who's not going to be with just _any_ donut. I wouldn't be surprised if you're one of those insane bananas that wait forever even when you are in a relationship."

"Then why are you forcing me to talk about this?" asked Harry incredulously.

"For my amusement," shrugged Sirius, as though this should have been the most obvious answer in the world.

Harry gaped at him, mouth hanging slightly open, "I think I want Remus to be my Godfather from now on."

Sirius gasped and clutched his heart, "You can't trade me in! That's just heartless! Besides, I'm much cooler than boring, ol' Moony. You'd be begging for me to be your Godfather again within the day!"

"Should I tell him you said so?" asked a grinning Harry.

"No! Bloody hell, do you want me to be murdered?" demanded Sirius.

"So long as it gets me out of this conversation," laughed Harry.

"Keep talking and I'll be sure to change baby banana's name!" said Sirius sternly.

Harry raised an eyebrow at him, "To what? Sirius Junior?"

"Oh, you think that's funny do you?" asked Sirius coming around the table to Harry, who was slowly backing away. He transformed into Padfoot and promptly tackled his Godson before he could escape. He then started applying sloppy dog kisses all over the poor boy's face.

Harry tried as hard as he could, but he failed to get out from under the large dog's weight. He couldn't remember the last time he had laughed so hard, which wasn't exactly helping him either. "Sirius! Stop, I'm sorry! I take it back- the banana can keep the name Severus! Please let me go!"

Sirius transformed back, but did not get off of Harry quite yet, "Have you learned your lesson?"

"Yes," gasped Harry through his laughter.

Sirius contemplated his Godson for a moment, "Okay, first I want to hear you repeat after me."

"Fine," laughed Harry. "What do you want me to say?"

"I, Harry James Potter, have the world's greatest Godfather. He is superior to any other person I have ever met. I shall never again mock his masculinity by insinuating Snape has a bigger banana."

Once Harry finally managed to repeat the words through his chuckles, Sirius stood up. He reached down to help Harry stand, then went to sit back at the table.

Harry warily joined him, "So, what torture awaits now?"

Sirius sighed, "Who am I kidding, I am not the type of person to be giving other people 'The Talk'. Honestly, I don't even remember what Mr. Potter told me. I spent most of the time trying to block it from my memory. So, how about some basic ground rules instead?"

Harry looked at him hopefully, "You mean it? You'll let me go?"

"After you've heard the rules, sure," laughed Sirius.

"Okay, so what are they?" asked a thoroughly relieved Harry.

"Mostly ones that are going to make me a giant hypocrite," smiled Sirius, "but I sort of prefer you taking after your dad instead of me on this one."

Seeing Harry's questioning look, he explained, "I was with far too many different donuts when I was your age. Don't get me wrong- I had fun, but it was all completely pointless. I hardly even liked the stupid donuts. With James, there was only one particular donut that he was ever interested in. Trust me, he worked his arse off to get it too. According to him, it was definitely worth the wait- seeing as that was the only donut he was ever with."

Harry smiled, "He was never with anybody else?"

"No. I managed to convince him to go on a few dates with other girls, but they never went further than snogging. It worked out for him at least; he got to marry his donut and named me Godfather to their cute little offspring banana."

"I am a pretty cute banana, aren't I?" asked Harry cheekily.

"Don't let it go to your head," laughed Sirius. "So, rule one: try to wait for that one special donut that you don't want to live without. Rule two: I'm too young and handsome to be a God-Grandfather anytime soon. Therefore, I will teach you some useful spells later to prevent that. I would prefer you don't need to use them anytime soon, but I was your age once too. Just remember, wanking always works too, yeah?"

"Oh, Merlin!" Harry turned red faster than should have been humanly possible. "You should never say anything like that ever again!"

Sirius smirked, "Just letting you know all your options. So, to continue with the rules: Rule three, well actually, I haven't really decided on a rule three at this time. I'll just let you know when I think of one."

"Okay, I think I can do that," replied Harry. At this point, he would agree with anything to be allowed out of the kitchen.

"So, any further questions?" asked Sirius.

Harry quickly shook his head no. Honestly, did Sirius really think he was going to ask questions when he was desperate to leave the room?

Sirius shrugged and unlocked the door with a flick of his wand. Unfortunately for Harry, Remus walked in before he could manage his escape.

"Morning Padfoot, Harry. About time you unlocked that door Sirius, I'm starving," stated Remus as he picked up the banana formerly known as Sirius and started to peel it.

Sirius sent a wink to Harry, who blushed furiously, which caused Sirius to laugh, "I never realized you were the banana type, Moony."

Remus just shrugged before taking a bite out of the banana. Tonks came in at the end of Sirius' statement, hair all ruffled up, looking exhausted, but happy.

She smiled, "I don't know Sirius, but after all those donuts he managed to eat after the kids went to bed last night it might not hurt for him to switch to a banana."

Harry blanched and once again managed to turn a bright red. Sirius let out a bark of laughter at the look of horror on his Godson's face. Said boy quickly ran out of the kitchen, presumably to hide away in his bedroom until he had to return to school.

"What's wrong with Harry?" asked a concerned Remus. He then noticed all of his leftover chocolate donuts from the night before. Remus looked at the amused face on Sirius, the bananas, and the donuts, then thought of the look on poor Harry's face when he ran out. He gave a sigh as he realized what this meant. He thought he had talked Sirius out of doing this, but apparently not.

"Please, tell me you didn't do what I think you did, Sirius!" pleaded Remus in vain.

Sirius broke out laughing, "Oh, I did! You and Tonks were great at the end by the way- I couldn't have planned your comments better! That kid's never going to eat a donut or a banana ever again."

Tonks was looking between both men, feeling very confused, "What did you do?"

"I simply gave him 'The Talk' using food as examples," grinned Sirius. He didn't have to wait long for it to sink in for Tonks.

"Merlin!" blushed Tonks, looking at Remus. "You mean, he thinks Remus and I- Oh, that poor boy! You've traumatized him Sirius!"

"I know," beamed Sirius proudly. "Perhaps someday he'll have a Godson of his own to torment."

Fin =)

**A/N: Thanks for reading, hope you liked it :D If anyone's reading my changing the future story, I *should* have the next chapter up tomorrow, I'm working on it, so hopefully. =)**


End file.
